Thursday, January 28, 2010

tee'z Album Review: Heidi Montag ~ Superficial

Early contender for Album of the Decade.

1st thing'z first. Heidi Montag iz my #1 most fav. If anyone iz close to my crown as Empress of the Universe of Pop, it'z H.'Tag. Ever since she showed dat stuck up bitch LC how tha fame game is realllly played (tabloids, softcore porn magazines, a few dozen plastic surgery proceedurez), she'z been tha heir apparent 2 my crown should 1 of these otha pop chicks try 2 shank down tee backstage at an awardz show (looking @ U Tay-Tay Swift...I know how U & UR posse of hood-bitches git down...ain't sayin' I don't respect how grimey y'all can git...but tee'z gotta keep hur EYE on U)

Even my luv 4 all thangz H.'Tag couldn't prepare me for how A-M-A-Zing hur debut LP Superficial iz. U luv dance musick? Supaficial'z nuthin but dance music! It's like one big, never-ending, indistinguishable dance song! UR prayer'z have been answer'd ladiez & gentlemen (who like gentlemen)!

Hate over-singing? U luck'd out again! Heidz' inability to hold a tune without the help of sophisticated modern technology meanz that U don't have to sit thru song after song of boring vocal over-indulgence like Xtina, Beyonce, Britney Spearz or Paris Hilton. H.'Tag keepz it real and let's the producerz do tha wurk!

The album Kix off w/ 'Look How I'm Doing', a brush off 2 a scrub-ish x-lover who she once show'd "...a kiss like they do in France" (I guess my gurl Heidi likez her ass sum cheese & wine before making out...jus' like tee doez....cuz we kla$sy bitchez). Yet nuthin' golden stayz: "Remember when I first turned 16 / Said you were gonna lay me in the city of dreams / But you were never man enough / That's how it seems". Everrr resilient, Heidi doesn't let that man'z botched attempt @ statutory rape in a magical city (I'm picturin' tha Emerald City from 'Wizard of Oz' but even more erotic) get her down. She uses the rest of tha song 2 taunt him w/ how well she's doing setting up photo ops 4 the papz and appearing naked in print. She concludez; "My sex is what you need / I bet you miss that crazy love"...ya gurl tee bringz tha krazy luv 2. H.'Tag & I are soul bitchez 4Real.

She'z the "bitch that you don't wanna miss" on 'Turn Ya Head' (written by Cathy Dennis, who also penned tha lesser pop masta-pieces 'Toxic' & 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head'), she makez stutterin' even more sexy on 'Fanatic' and throws down some realness on tha title track: "They say I'm Superficial / Some call me a bitch / They just mad cuz I'm sexy, famous and I'm rich" U & me both, Heidz! Bitchez is alwayz mad @ me cuz they when I show'd up last week at Fresno's 'Hope for Haiti' charity event in all my best diamonds and furs. It ain't tee'z fault she likez 2 look good & sip on champagne while she helpz tha world. I answer'd like 3 callz from regular people...doez anyone know how much work that iz?!? Bitchez like me & Heidi Montag keep shit don't ya'll forget.

Jus' because Heidi listz Jesus first on Superfiscal'z 'Special Thanks', doesn't mean she'z not down 2 let her freak-bitch flag fly high. She invitez her lover to take her 2 their secret dungeon, where she commands "Come eat my panties off of me" in 'I'll Do It'. Dat'z my gurl!!! We're into tha deep cutz on tha album by now and Heidi iz free to let the lyrics git a little more complex; "I'll do it / I'll do it / I'll do it / I-I-I-I-I-I'll do it / I-I-I-I-I-I'll ~ Bitch I'll do this!"

Heidi Montag'z Superfacial is evrry bit tha materpiece she'z been sayin' it iz. My gurl H.'Tag didn't do thizz shit 4 tha money. As she'z pointed out, it cost her $2 million of her own money...& as news source'z have report'd, it only sold 1,000 copies in two days (or about 1/500th of what Britney'z last album did in it'z 1st week). U think she carez? Hellz no! Y'all haterz can eat her pantiez off!! Heidi Montag iz tha future & she knowz it. She'z just waitin' 4 all of us 2 catch up.

Heidi 'H.'Tag' Montag. Waiting for the rest of the world to catch up to her genius.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Time: Madonna

Madonna (or 'Zartok: Dark Goddess of the Lizard People' as she's known in kabbalah circles) with her nekkid BF Jesus lulz.

tee-tee repectz a gurl on tha grind. And Madonna haz been on tha grind since hur daze as a Sumerian High Priestess, where she leveled armies of men in her bedroom and stole the soulz of children to preserve her youth. Madonna iz tee-tee'z kind of gurl.

Also...she has seXXX wit Jesus ev'rynite...I was only able to get down with tha JC during a coupla booty callz in tha late 90s.

The earliest known rendering of Madonna. At one of her first concerts 2500 BC

M.Donna iz still runnin' tha game all these many moonz later so it'z only fittin' tee devotez her verry 1st 'Respect Time' 2 tha Queen of Pop (obviousssly ya gurl tee is Empress of the Universe of Pop...but I'm still happy 4 'donna).

Much R-E-S-P-E-C-T Madonna!!!


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Prolly Tha Greatest Singer / Songwriter / Performer Eva...

Thiz song & video inspired tee 2 git into music. Respect.

One day I hope 2 write a song az beautiful and emotionally raw as Jan Terri's Losing You


Ya Gurl'z Startin' a L.A.M.E. Blog!!

So 2 all U haterz who said tee was illiterate, U only 1/2 right!!

tee only got 2 tha 3rd grade but dat's ALL U NEED!

My stoopid management said tee needz 2 connect w/ fanz after my multiple rehab stintz & court appearances. Tha last time tee releazed muzic, Lady Gaga was still studying how 2 steal her style from famous Fresno drag queen Na$ti Delicious, Miley was still saving sex 4 tha 3rd date and Britney was on top of tha world...shavin' her head & gettin' admitted to glamorous psychiatric wards.

Butt ya gurl is ready 2 step back in2 tha light and illuminate yo' azzez on what it really meanz 2 be a seXXXy popstar!

But first, tee'z gonna score herself some delicous Chick-fil-A

Om Nom Nom Nom!

Mos' GLAMOROUS chicken restaraunt eva!