Friday, February 26, 2010

Remixed 4 Maximum Fresno Realness

My gurl Lady B.E.A.T.Z. jus' remixed Fresno's newest #1 jam, 'My Bumpit 2K10'!! It'z even MORE erotic than tha original!

If UR wonderin', I desinged the cover 4 this remix. It'z special 2 me because it prophecizes humanity'z future war with a race of Cybernetic Terror-Otterz...tee'z gotta teach U somethin' between all the seXXXy

UR Welcome

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Best V.D. Eva!!

Fresno's #1 Pop Star releases her alluring new fragrance. The sensuality of strawberries meets the elegance and class of champagne.

Says tee of the scent:
"It smellz like Starwberry Shortcake's promiscuous older sister. But it'z klassy enough so men don't start handin' U dollar billz 2 take UR top off."

Monday, February 8, 2010

Fresno: Haterz Be Hatin' Cuz They JEALOUS!!!

tee don't see this as a bad thing, but Fresno was just named 'The Drunkest City in America'. U know tee had somethin' 2 do with dat in her pre-'habz days! Still, it'z opened up tha door 4 yet anotha round of 559-hatin'.

Last October, we was named 'The Dumbest City in America'!

Whatevz! Laughlin, NV is WAAAAAY dumber den we iz. & haz anyone been 2 tha South (tee don't wanna fall back on stereotypez...but they IZ the most accurate thing to go by)??

The haterz can keep hatin' cuz Fresno keepz it real and they just J-E-A-L-O-U-S anywayz. Plus we iz used 2 tha Haterade and have delevoped a taste 4 it.

Some other lists Fresno has topped:

-Most Dangerous (2007)
-Most K.Fed Infested (2005)
-Biggest Meth Problem (2004)
-Wonkiest Eyes (2002)
-Saddest City (2000)
-Worst Dressed (2000)
-Worst Tourism Catchphrase: "Fresno, CA: No Longer Just The Place Where Most of L.A.'s Missing Hookers Are Found Dead!" (1998)
-Least Likely To Succeed (1995)
-Most Embarrassing (1993)
-Biggest Contender For Pity Sex With A Better City (1992)
-Easiest City To 'Nuke' (If The President Had To Choose A City) (1990)
-Most Promising (1896)

Friday, February 5, 2010

tee-awnah Flachback: September 1st, 2007-'tee-awnah's Prayer'

*Taken from tee-awnah's MySpace blog*

'September 1, 2007 - Saturday

tee-awnah’s Prayer

"Dear Jesus,

UR my B.F.F. 4Realzies...

Thanks for blessin' me w/ super sexy man enchanting powers. They're like my fav.

Sorry I thanked Buddha @ the '06 Fresno Music Awards when I won for 'Most Improved'...he wuz all: "If you don't thank me in your acceptance speech, you're totally off my Top 8!" and I wuz all: "Buddha! That's hella not fair! You know J. Chrizzo has my baby!" but he threatened to give me 'the shanking that was coming to' me. Super srry.

Thnks for saving those kids from the volcano last week...

...I was worried, but U flew in and saved them jus' in time.

Also, thnks 4 shooting the devil, gangland-style back in 1978...that wuz awesome!!!

*Passage omitted at the request of FresHno Records*

Finally Jesus, could U plz do sumthin' about this?

...she's stealing ALL my dope knive poses! I thought of that one back in '96 and now she goes and steals it from me! Jesus, can you please shoot her with that non-lethal laser gun God invented for you?...Just so she getz the message but doesn't get dropped...tee-awnah's hella down 4 'Mean Girls 2'...

Thnks Jesus!!! I hope all the tests come back negative!!!!

~Hugs & Kisses, Bitches~

Thursday, February 4, 2010

iamamiwhoami: Tha Single Biggest Mystery of Our Time..

A month ago, thiz mystery video (with a seXXXy goat birth at tha end that has now been taken out for being 2 REAL) popped up on YouTube user 'iamamiwhoami'z page. It'z basically like if 'The Ring' wuz some CalArts student'z ambient music wet dream.

& much like a wet dream, people on tha interwebz have been gettin' off over who iz responsible 4 dis erotic version of nature. Otha videoz by 'iamamiwhoami' have a vagina-lookin tree and a muddy lady licking sexual-lookin' sap off on it...WHATEVA!...ev'ryone knowz tee wuz licking suggestive thingz off suggestive tree'z way back in ' I wuzn't showerin' @ tha time (I thought tha CIA was buggin' my bathroom, y'all!) so I was vury dirrty. But it'z okay, imitation is the mos' bestest form of flattery.

A lot of krazy namez iz gettin' thrown out dere...Goldfrapp, The Knife (they wissssh), Fever Ray (who jacked my face melting-style @ a recent awardz show but whatevz) and XXXtina Aguilera. Da hipsterz is havin' panty twistin' attacks dat it could be Xtina & pop fanz are scared Xtina iz getting too brainy (like my fanz hated my concept album Calculus 101: Integral Tapestries of Infinite Series).

tee-tee'z $$ iz on Ms. Arugula. People weren't feelin' her time travel trip back 2 tha 40s (she overshot where mos' of her peers time travel back to 4 music, tha 80s).

Only time and millionz of dollaz in viral marketing will tell...

...speaking of tha now missing goat birth....

Xtina, iz dat U in dere????

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


It'z been a few daze, but ya gurl tee haz been partyin' it up, Celebrity Rehab-style, @ tha Grammy's after-parties! tee met so many great people...Taylor Swift's 'Acting Surprised' coach, Beyonce's idea recycler and tha oldest Jonas Brother's wife / beard (don't act surprised! Eurvyone knowz!!)

But dat'z not even tha greatest part!

tee won a Grammy for 'Most Erotic Recording'! It wasn't given out at tha on-air broadcast or even tha pre-show was given out a week ago @ a ceremony in front of a Target in Tarzana (where Fresno'z own K.Fed livez, y'all!).

tee beat out tha likez of Modesto's Sha-Tay-Tay (skank), Noah Cyrus (Miley's 8 year old sister) and Susan Boyle.

tee'z gotta come down of her natural high (& her chemical one, too) and git some sleep so she can get back 2 wurk on new tunez in hopez of makin' it 2-4-2 next year!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

tee'z Album Review: Heidi Montag ~ Superficial

Early contender for Album of the Decade.

1st thing'z first. Heidi Montag iz my #1 most fav. If anyone iz close to my crown as Empress of the Universe of Pop, it'z H.'Tag. Ever since she showed dat stuck up bitch LC how tha fame game is realllly played (tabloids, softcore porn magazines, a few dozen plastic surgery proceedurez), she'z been tha heir apparent 2 my crown should 1 of these otha pop chicks try 2 shank down tee backstage at an awardz show (looking @ U Tay-Tay Swift...I know how U & UR posse of hood-bitches git down...ain't sayin' I don't respect how grimey y'all can git...but tee'z gotta keep hur EYE on U)

Even my luv 4 all thangz H.'Tag couldn't prepare me for how A-M-A-Zing hur debut LP Superficial iz. U luv dance musick? Supaficial'z nuthin but dance music! It's like one big, never-ending, indistinguishable dance song! UR prayer'z have been answer'd ladiez & gentlemen (who like gentlemen)!

Hate over-singing? U luck'd out again! Heidz' inability to hold a tune without the help of sophisticated modern technology meanz that U don't have to sit thru song after song of boring vocal over-indulgence like Xtina, Beyonce, Britney Spearz or Paris Hilton. H.'Tag keepz it real and let's the producerz do tha wurk!

The album Kix off w/ 'Look How I'm Doing', a brush off 2 a scrub-ish x-lover who she once show'd "...a kiss like they do in France" (I guess my gurl Heidi likez her ass sum cheese & wine before making out...jus' like tee doez....cuz we kla$sy bitchez). Yet nuthin' golden stayz: "Remember when I first turned 16 / Said you were gonna lay me in the city of dreams / But you were never man enough / That's how it seems". Everrr resilient, Heidi doesn't let that man'z botched attempt @ statutory rape in a magical city (I'm picturin' tha Emerald City from 'Wizard of Oz' but even more erotic) get her down. She uses the rest of tha song 2 taunt him w/ how well she's doing setting up photo ops 4 the papz and appearing naked in print. She concludez; "My sex is what you need / I bet you miss that crazy love"...ya gurl tee bringz tha krazy luv 2. H.'Tag & I are soul bitchez 4Real.

She'z the "bitch that you don't wanna miss" on 'Turn Ya Head' (written by Cathy Dennis, who also penned tha lesser pop masta-pieces 'Toxic' & 'Can't Get You Out Of My Head'), she makez stutterin' even more sexy on 'Fanatic' and throws down some realness on tha title track: "They say I'm Superficial / Some call me a bitch / They just mad cuz I'm sexy, famous and I'm rich" U & me both, Heidz! Bitchez is alwayz mad @ me cuz they when I show'd up last week at Fresno's 'Hope for Haiti' charity event in all my best diamonds and furs. It ain't tee'z fault she likez 2 look good & sip on champagne while she helpz tha world. I answer'd like 3 callz from regular people...doez anyone know how much work that iz?!? Bitchez like me & Heidi Montag keep shit don't ya'll forget.

Jus' because Heidi listz Jesus first on Superfiscal'z 'Special Thanks', doesn't mean she'z not down 2 let her freak-bitch flag fly high. She invitez her lover to take her 2 their secret dungeon, where she commands "Come eat my panties off of me" in 'I'll Do It'. Dat'z my gurl!!! We're into tha deep cutz on tha album by now and Heidi iz free to let the lyrics git a little more complex; "I'll do it / I'll do it / I'll do it / I-I-I-I-I-I'll do it / I-I-I-I-I-I'll ~ Bitch I'll do this!"

Heidi Montag'z Superfacial is evrry bit tha materpiece she'z been sayin' it iz. My gurl H.'Tag didn't do thizz shit 4 tha money. As she'z pointed out, it cost her $2 million of her own money...& as news source'z have report'd, it only sold 1,000 copies in two days (or about 1/500th of what Britney'z last album did in it'z 1st week). U think she carez? Hellz no! Y'all haterz can eat her pantiez off!! Heidi Montag iz tha future & she knowz it. She'z just waitin' 4 all of us 2 catch up.

Heidi 'H.'Tag' Montag. Waiting for the rest of the world to catch up to her genius.


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

R-E-S-P-E-C-T Time: Madonna

Madonna (or 'Zartok: Dark Goddess of the Lizard People' as she's known in kabbalah circles) with her nekkid BF Jesus lulz.

tee-tee repectz a gurl on tha grind. And Madonna haz been on tha grind since hur daze as a Sumerian High Priestess, where she leveled armies of men in her bedroom and stole the soulz of children to preserve her youth. Madonna iz tee-tee'z kind of gurl.

Also...she has seXXX wit Jesus ev'rynite...I was only able to get down with tha JC during a coupla booty callz in tha late 90s.

The earliest known rendering of Madonna. At one of her first concerts 2500 BC

M.Donna iz still runnin' tha game all these many moonz later so it'z only fittin' tee devotez her verry 1st 'Respect Time' 2 tha Queen of Pop (obviousssly ya gurl tee is Empress of the Universe of Pop...but I'm still happy 4 'donna).

Much R-E-S-P-E-C-T Madonna!!!


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Prolly Tha Greatest Singer / Songwriter / Performer Eva...

Thiz song & video inspired tee 2 git into music. Respect.

One day I hope 2 write a song az beautiful and emotionally raw as Jan Terri's Losing You


Ya Gurl'z Startin' a L.A.M.E. Blog!!

So 2 all U haterz who said tee was illiterate, U only 1/2 right!!

tee only got 2 tha 3rd grade but dat's ALL U NEED!

My stoopid management said tee needz 2 connect w/ fanz after my multiple rehab stintz & court appearances. Tha last time tee releazed muzic, Lady Gaga was still studying how 2 steal her style from famous Fresno drag queen Na$ti Delicious, Miley was still saving sex 4 tha 3rd date and Britney was on top of tha world...shavin' her head & gettin' admitted to glamorous psychiatric wards.

Butt ya gurl is ready 2 step back in2 tha light and illuminate yo' azzez on what it really meanz 2 be a seXXXy popstar!

But first, tee'z gonna score herself some delicous Chick-fil-A

Om Nom Nom Nom!

Mos' GLAMOROUS chicken restaraunt eva!