Friday, February 26, 2010

Remixed 4 Maximum Fresno Realness

My gurl Lady B.E.A.T.Z. jus' remixed Fresno's newest #1 jam, 'My Bumpit 2K10'!! It'z even MORE erotic than tha original!

If UR wonderin', I desinged the cover 4 this remix. It'z special 2 me because it prophecizes humanity'z future war with a race of Cybernetic Terror-Otterz...tee'z gotta teach U somethin' between all the seXXXy

UR Welcome

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Best V.D. Eva!!

Fresno's #1 Pop Star releases her alluring new fragrance. The sensuality of strawberries meets the elegance and class of champagne.

Says tee of the scent:
"It smellz like Starwberry Shortcake's promiscuous older sister. But it'z klassy enough so men don't start handin' U dollar billz 2 take UR top off."

Monday, February 8, 2010

Fresno: Haterz Be Hatin' Cuz They JEALOUS!!!

tee don't see this as a bad thing, but Fresno was just named 'The Drunkest City in America'. U know tee had somethin' 2 do with dat in her pre-'habz days! Still, it'z opened up tha door 4 yet anotha round of 559-hatin'.

Last October, we was named 'The Dumbest City in America'!

Whatevz! Laughlin, NV is WAAAAAY dumber den we iz. & haz anyone been 2 tha South (tee don't wanna fall back on stereotypez...but they IZ the most accurate thing to go by)??

The haterz can keep hatin' cuz Fresno keepz it real and they just J-E-A-L-O-U-S anywayz. Plus we iz used 2 tha Haterade and have delevoped a taste 4 it.

Some other lists Fresno has topped:

-Most Dangerous (2007)
-Most K.Fed Infested (2005)
-Biggest Meth Problem (2004)
-Wonkiest Eyes (2002)
-Saddest City (2000)
-Worst Dressed (2000)
-Worst Tourism Catchphrase: "Fresno, CA: No Longer Just The Place Where Most of L.A.'s Missing Hookers Are Found Dead!" (1998)
-Least Likely To Succeed (1995)
-Most Embarrassing (1993)
-Biggest Contender For Pity Sex With A Better City (1992)
-Easiest City To 'Nuke' (If The President Had To Choose A City) (1990)
-Most Promising (1896)

Friday, February 5, 2010

tee-awnah Flachback: September 1st, 2007-'tee-awnah's Prayer'

*Taken from tee-awnah's MySpace blog*

'September 1, 2007 - Saturday

tee-awnah’s Prayer

"Dear Jesus,

UR my B.F.F. 4Realzies...

Thanks for blessin' me w/ super sexy man enchanting powers. They're like my fav.

Sorry I thanked Buddha @ the '06 Fresno Music Awards when I won for 'Most Improved'...he wuz all: "If you don't thank me in your acceptance speech, you're totally off my Top 8!" and I wuz all: "Buddha! That's hella not fair! You know J. Chrizzo has my baby!" but he threatened to give me 'the shanking that was coming to' me. Super srry.

Thnks for saving those kids from the volcano last week...

...I was worried, but U flew in and saved them jus' in time.

Also, thnks 4 shooting the devil, gangland-style back in 1978...that wuz awesome!!!

*Passage omitted at the request of FresHno Records*

Finally Jesus, could U plz do sumthin' about this?

...she's stealing ALL my dope knive poses! I thought of that one back in '96 and now she goes and steals it from me! Jesus, can you please shoot her with that non-lethal laser gun God invented for you?...Just so she getz the message but doesn't get dropped...tee-awnah's hella down 4 'Mean Girls 2'...

Thnks Jesus!!! I hope all the tests come back negative!!!!

~Hugs & Kisses, Bitches~

Thursday, February 4, 2010

iamamiwhoami: Tha Single Biggest Mystery of Our Time..

A month ago, thiz mystery video (with a seXXXy goat birth at tha end that has now been taken out for being 2 REAL) popped up on YouTube user 'iamamiwhoami'z page. It'z basically like if 'The Ring' wuz some CalArts student'z ambient music wet dream.

& much like a wet dream, people on tha interwebz have been gettin' off over who iz responsible 4 dis erotic version of nature. Otha videoz by 'iamamiwhoami' have a vagina-lookin tree and a muddy lady licking sexual-lookin' sap off on it...WHATEVA!...ev'ryone knowz tee wuz licking suggestive thingz off suggestive tree'z way back in ' I wuzn't showerin' @ tha time (I thought tha CIA was buggin' my bathroom, y'all!) so I was vury dirrty. But it'z okay, imitation is the mos' bestest form of flattery.

A lot of krazy namez iz gettin' thrown out dere...Goldfrapp, The Knife (they wissssh), Fever Ray (who jacked my face melting-style @ a recent awardz show but whatevz) and XXXtina Aguilera. Da hipsterz is havin' panty twistin' attacks dat it could be Xtina & pop fanz are scared Xtina iz getting too brainy (like my fanz hated my concept album Calculus 101: Integral Tapestries of Infinite Series).

tee-tee'z $$ iz on Ms. Arugula. People weren't feelin' her time travel trip back 2 tha 40s (she overshot where mos' of her peers time travel back to 4 music, tha 80s).

Only time and millionz of dollaz in viral marketing will tell...

...speaking of tha now missing goat birth....

Xtina, iz dat U in dere????

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


It'z been a few daze, but ya gurl tee haz been partyin' it up, Celebrity Rehab-style, @ tha Grammy's after-parties! tee met so many great people...Taylor Swift's 'Acting Surprised' coach, Beyonce's idea recycler and tha oldest Jonas Brother's wife / beard (don't act surprised! Eurvyone knowz!!)

But dat'z not even tha greatest part!

tee won a Grammy for 'Most Erotic Recording'! It wasn't given out at tha on-air broadcast or even tha pre-show was given out a week ago @ a ceremony in front of a Target in Tarzana (where Fresno'z own K.Fed livez, y'all!).

tee beat out tha likez of Modesto's Sha-Tay-Tay (skank), Noah Cyrus (Miley's 8 year old sister) and Susan Boyle.

tee'z gotta come down of her natural high (& her chemical one, too) and git some sleep so she can get back 2 wurk on new tunez in hopez of makin' it 2-4-2 next year!